Ok...I'm not good at writing, at least, not at journaling. Give me a topic, and I'll debate it. Give me a problem, and I'll write out a plan for fixing it. Give me myself - my life, my day, my heart - and I freeze up. Ask me my opinion, and I go frozen like a Windows NT operating system. Mentally, I'm checked out, because I'm sifting through our conversation trying to figure out what you want to hear, then I transplant that into my answer to you.
The truth is, more times than not, I feel like phony, and I hate it.
So, I walk into Sunday School this morning, late, and a friend of mine is already upfront teaching his lesson. Its on "Pride" and "Humility"; really its on a passage in I Peter, but it may as well been, "Why Chris' heart is full of pride and therefore not humble which means he's not close to God." If you were to take my name out of that sentence, I would fully agree with everthing stated and implied in that sentence. But, if you put my name in there, well, that can't be right...can it?
That's what I'm dealing with right now, and not doing a very good job honestly. I agree with my friend, and think he shared more truth about my own heart and life than I really cared to hear. In all honesty, I was hoping to slip in the back and just check out for an hour. That's been my attitude alot lately. I haven't thought anything of it, even rationalized it: "Chris, you're always leading, serving and doing something. Just check your brain and your heart at the door on this one and take a break," or "people misunderstand you and don't pay attention to you anyway, so don't pay attention to them either." Up till this morning, I thought that was an OK way to deal with life. But then, that's not exactly "humility" is it? Seems to be a bit more like pride than anything. And if that's the case, then yeah, that's pretty sinful, and if thats the case, how is my relationship with God lately?
Answer: Poor, at best. I have felt more lonely, misunderstood, threatened and pissed off recently than I can ever remember, and those aren't exactly the things on Paul's list of Fruits of the Spirit.
How have I been living lately? Am I more to blame for the way I've been feeling because of my lack of humility - towards God and others - than all the people and circumstances I've been more prone to cast the blame on?
It does bring up an interesting quandry; one that I seem to face every 12-18 months or so. You see, throughout my life, I can look back and notice a trend, or theme. This theme usually has me, seemingly, at the right place, but at the wrong time. I usually seem to miss out on things that I think or what I want - friendships, relationships (previously before I b/c married to my wonderful wife of 3 + years), jobs, ministry positions/opportunities. But then I recognize truth admidst all of those. Truth like, "Chris, its ok! Humble yourself under God's hand. This time, this experience, this service, hasn't been a waste; God has used it and here's how. But be patient, you're time and opportunities will come about." And as I say that to myself and start to belive it, I see other people not operating under the same paradigm, and get the opportunities that I want. Instead of serving, they're talking, or politicing. What am I to really belive then when that happens?
There's more to this than what I've just typed, but that will be for another time. My question is, how do I deal with my sin, without giving up on what I feel like God is calling me to? My friend said this morning that the main cause of pride is "discontentment". I don't know if I fully agree or disagree with this. After all, if we were always fully content with the situation and place God has us in, when would we ever know to move and step out in faith towards that which He is calling us to?
This is where I am! Confused, frustrated, wanting to repent, but not wanting to give up and continue being the doormat either.
ierce) and download any concert from 1997 and be prepared to enjoy some good music from a great band! 
playing there just before he signed on his big record deal. These guys made it by playing good music to college town crowds, and they built up quite a folowing. Unfortunately, they broke it off soon after 1997 and have only recently gotten back together to play a few more gigs here and there. These guys are worth checking out - at least online - and if you can ever see them play live, you should do it!
